~ Self Denial: A Transgender Experience

How do I explain this? Hell, I’m not even sure where to begin. I’ve been in denial so long that it’s almost impossible to share my secret. But there isn’t any turning back now.

I always wanted to be like other little girls. I wanted to wear dresses and hair ribbons. And whisper and giggle with childlike innocence that only a girl would know. However, I couldn’t. My parents always scolded me for dressing up in my sister’s clothes. They said that it was improper, unnatural, and that when I was older I’d understand. But I didn’t and I still do not understand at times. Now, pay attention because this is important. You may be confused right now but you’ll understand soon.

So as my life continued in a seemingly normal fashion, inside I grew depressed and eventually began cutting my wrists. It was a pathetic attempt at suicide. The razors never slit deep enough nor did my body bleed enough for me to die. I guess now I should consider myself lucky. At the time though I wanted nothing more than to disappear. My parents didn’t notice this but my sister did. She tried to help even though I couldn’t tell her my secret. I didn’t want the one person that loved me to push me away. I probably would have snapped right then.

My parents were so well off financially that they sent me off to boarding school. Secretly, I wonder if they knew deep down that I was different and just didn’t want anything to do with me. In any case, I spent a majority of the year at school for boys my age. Yes, boys. I think that you’ll understand towards the end. In the meantime, don’t let this significant piece of information fool you. Anyway I made fairly decent grades, played sports, and I even discovered some artistic talent. Over time my secret was pushed to the back of my mind. I could pretend. After years of hiding, it’s almost too easy. But secrets this painful always come back to haunt you.

I awoke one night, shaking and tearful. I don’t remember why I woke up but all I could think was “you’re fooling yourself.” I was trapped in my own lie and I didn’t see any other way out. So I acted in desperation. I made a noose out of my school neckties, tied it to the ceiling fan, and jumped from my desk chair. The last thing I remembered before blacking out was my roommate screaming bloody murder, trying to lift my limp body from the ceiling fan.

I survived my attempted suicide attempt. And to this day I still thank my former roommate and lifelong friend for saving my life. However, that isn’t the end of my story. I eventually graduated and began attending college. I’ve met people who are like me. I even started to see ay sister however completely accepts this fact and I love her dearly. Most importantly, I understand why I always felt different from others around me. On the outside I may be a man, yet inside I’m a woman. After years of self-denial from a young age and several suicide attempts I finally accept who I am. I no longer hide in shame rather I embrace this part of me.